Thursday, April 21, 2011

Shit List: Ulli Lommel's Black Dahlia

I'm going to be honest here, I'd sooner gut myself with a dull knife while laying on a bed of broken glass than ever, I repeat EVER, watch this film ever again. I'd sooner chop off my dick, feed it to a pack of dogs, and rub salt in my wounds than ever, I repeat EEEEEEVEERRRRR, watch this movie again.

This movie is so bad, that I set my TV on fire and hurled it out a third floor window onto a group of passing nuns. This movie is so bad (HOOOW BAAAD IISSS IT?), that I took a shit in the DVD-case and sent it back to Walmart in a box that was marked "You LET me buy this you soulless whores!". This movie is SOOOOOO bad, that I sent a singing telegram to Ulli Lommel to sing about how absolutely worthless he was, for six straight days.

I have seen my fair share of shitty movies, but I couldn't even stomach to get through this movie the first time around (and I am definitely regretting the fact that I made a second try at it). With movies like Plan 9 From Outer Space, I could at least chuckle and ironically like the movie, but the mere fact that time went into making this movie is enough to make me sick. Calling it a "movie" at all makes my stomach churn with flash backs of the abortion that is this steaming pile of crap.

What upsets me more is that there are people out there who actually like this movie unironically (I couldn't even like it ironically if I was huffing stupid gas). They say shit like "cult classic" and try to justify why this movie makes me want to pour burning acid into each of my eye sockets. There is no excuse for the time that was spent to watch this movie and I suggest that anyone with any sanity left NEVER watch this movie.

The first time through, I barely got past the opening scenes, I was struck so hard by the pure godawfulness of the movie that I HAD to turn it off before I started trying to throw feces at other adjacent human-beings. The second time through, thankfully, I had a friend to suffer through it with. Unfortunately, I think I've scarred him for life, considering he now sleeps with a gun under his pillow. It was really a dangerous experiment to see if having a friend to lessen the blow; we both nearly lost our sanity (made evident by the screaming and gorilla like behavior) and now refer to it as "that" movie.

"How can a movie be so bad" you ask? How could one person be so fucking worthless that everything they touched started mutating into a radiated form of suck? How could someone, without trying, commit movie genocide? Let me tell you exactly how...

The Scripts: The script is a complete mess that only manages to tell a repetitive and unoriginal story between bouts of horrid/forced dialogue. The events and conversations are so sloppy and poorly thought-up that it felt like I was watching something a high school film student wrote on a bad day.

Are you honestly telling me that someone looked at this script and thought: "HOLY FUCKING DONKEY BALLS WE SHOULD MAKE THIS MOVIE!", because I don't buy it. I can't believe that there wasn't a shred of doubt in a single crew/cast member that didn't think "hmm, doing this movie could be the equivalent of career suicide."

Story: Like I mentioned, the story is repetitive, unoriginal, and sloppy at best. I don't mean kind of repetitive, I mean it is FULL OUT repetitive! You see the same four sequences again and again until you grow completely sick of every single frame. Kill/police/research/dream, kill/police/research/dream... by the fourth round of this bullshit extravaganza me and my friend were YELLING at the T.V. screen (not exaggerating at all).

The plot isn't even about the real Black Dahlia, it is about a bunch of copy-cat killers (and by copy-cat I mean the only similar thing they do is cut the body up and everyone somehow thinks its like "The Black Dahlia Murders"). The main character is supposedly a cop, but I was too distracted by the fact that he looked like someone who would be more fitted for a high school chess team. He, apparently, doesn't know what the Black Dahlia Murders were so, instead of searching through crime files that would be to his disposal as a cop, he decides to go researching on sites that look like they were made on tripod. I don't even want to go into the rest of this story, because I think I repressed most of it out of trauma.

The cinematography: May I start by saying the camera-quality looks like it was bought from walmart for pretty fucking cheap. The shots just look awful with a bunch of ridiculous compositions that didn't do anything to help tell the story. I was pretty surprised that I didn't see any equipment accident dart in and out of any of the shots.

Editing: This is the conversation I imagine happening between Ulli Lommel and the editor. "Yeah, put in a bunch of cheap ghosting effects...randomly turn that black and white...flip that shot...randomly stick this clip there...white out transitions everywhere," said Ulli

"BAAHHH I LIKE PANCAKES!" said the editor.

It really is that bad, looks like a monkey got a hold of Windows Movie Maker and started thrashing on the keyboard. It looks like a cheap jumbled mess that only the hackiest of hacks could create.

Acting: "Surely this must be good...". No. The acting is as godawful as the rest of the movie and I can only hope that anyone that was apart of this movie never got work ever again. Poorly rehearsed, ill-placed, and along with the unnatural dialogue the acting likes all natural flow.


Execution: I think it is safe to say that since nothing in this movie is good, there is no way this movie could come together and be any good. Just stay away from it...far away.

Score 0 out of 5
Summary: I'd sooner stick my fingers in a hot toaster...

No comments:

Post a Comment