Sunday, April 3, 2011

A Little Open Letter (For a Little DoucheCanoe)

I've been gone for fucking ever, I do apologize to my non-existent readers as I have been pretty fucking busy as of late. Before I get back to reviewing, I have a little itch I'd like to scratch first. I've noticed a small blunder in the world of "Cinema Loving" and I feel a strong urge to address it here. This particular subject falls into the realm of "illegal downloading".

This has nothing to do with whether it is "good" or "bad", I won't judge. This has to do with some people's reasoning or rationalization when it comes to downloading. Now, I like to peek into IMDB every once in a while to share opinions, rate movies, look for movies to watch, etc etc etc. This include checking out their little forum at the bottom of the page. I was checking on Hobo With A Shotgun (which currently stands at a 7.9), and noticed a thread titled "It's already leaked" or something of the sort. This is where the whole ordeal begins.

Someone just brings up the fact that the movie has been leaked not too far after its release. Now, the typical banter goes back and forth; "I support it", "I don't support it", "I don't care", but one particular post caught my eye for the pure amount of dumbfuckery it had behind it.

"Yeah, who gives a *beep* if it's free. God made man, man made the internet, so therefore by default, free films is what god wanted, go figure. And if there aint no God, it's better to exist than to not exist therefore free films are inherently better than ones you have to pay for. Filmmakers will always get money from producers, if the film is worthy to be made it'll be made. I mean, I love TROMA films to the moon and back, but I've downloaded all their films and not paid for a single one, my reasoning is, they can make the money out of the non-fans and let us people who really want it, have it for free!!"

Now, like I said, I am not judging people who are for it or against it, but this post makes me want to pluck both my eyes out and go driving on I-35 at top speeds in hopes that I plow headfirst into a bus of nuns. The amount of bullshit he spews in his mess of words is fucking infuriating and I can only hope that he somehow burns his nuts off to separate himself from the gene pool.

Its dumbfucks like this that make Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" seem less like a joke. What do I find so fucking oblivious, stupid, and all around "tongue swallower award" worthy? Thanks for asking, let me break it down for you:

"Yeah, who gives a *beep* if it's free. God made man, man made the internet, so therefore by default, free films is what god wanted, go figure."

Great reasoning, fucknut. God made men and men made microwaves, so I'm sure God's intention was for me to watch shit explode and melt if I was bored. I'm so glad that you can use some omni-present being to justify why you are too fucking cheap to help out an independent film maker who sunk his own fucking money into this movie.

"And if there aint no God, it's better to exist than to not exist therefore free films are inherently better than ones you have to pay for."

Do you fucking eat paint chips? Granted, I'm not nearly disappointed by a free bad movie as oppose to one that cost me ten bucks, but people time and effort to make these films, their jobs are on the line with whether or not the film flops. For them, a stolen movie is a step closer to a career killer, so its not inherently better you fucking dweeb.

"Filmmakers will always get money from producers, if the film is worthy to be made it'll be made. I mean, I love TROMA films to the moon and back, but I've downloaded all their films and not paid for a single one, my reasoning is, they can make the money out of the non-fans and let us people who really want it, have it for free!"

If there was an award for the worlds biggest dipshit, you would have been a shoe in for this fucking bit. Filmmakers won't get the fucking money if their history shows that their films don't make money. No money, means no movies. If Quentin Tarantino's movies weren't such a huge success, he would have never made it to Kill Bill or Inglourious Basterds. A Expro's job is to give out money to movies who they think will be able to return that movie. If said movie doesn't return said money, then they are less likely to install such faith into the filmmaker.

Also, since you "love" Troma so fucking much, you little glue sniffer, you should know that they working on becoming a big studio before they ended up going bankrupt. Lloyd Kaufman greenlighted the Toxie remake for the sake of the money, they aren't just getting handed money left and right to make movies. Not to mention they produce movies as well, they have to spend their money to help make and distribute the films you seem to "love" so much.

You, my dear sir, are a fucking douchecanoe. If you don't understand it yet, think of it this way. If the job you work at, if you've ever had one, (lets say its a store of some sort) wasn't making any money, instead of letting you lazy it up, they are going to fire you. If they aren't making money, they certainly can't waste it all on paying you. If you aren't going to help make them money, then there is no reason to believe you will be any different tomorrow or the next day. Then you have to live off what little money you have left, once that runs out you'll be homeless. You'll ask people for money, because eventually you'll use all yours up on food and since there is no money coming in you can't keep buying the food you enjoy, thus you die.

Make enough sense for you?

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