Thursday, April 21, 2011

Shit List: Ulli Lommel's Black Dahlia

I'm going to be honest here, I'd sooner gut myself with a dull knife while laying on a bed of broken glass than ever, I repeat EVER, watch this film ever again. I'd sooner chop off my dick, feed it to a pack of dogs, and rub salt in my wounds than ever, I repeat EEEEEEVEERRRRR, watch this movie again.

This movie is so bad, that I set my TV on fire and hurled it out a third floor window onto a group of passing nuns. This movie is so bad (HOOOW BAAAD IISSS IT?), that I took a shit in the DVD-case and sent it back to Walmart in a box that was marked "You LET me buy this you soulless whores!". This movie is SOOOOOO bad, that I sent a singing telegram to Ulli Lommel to sing about how absolutely worthless he was, for six straight days.

I have seen my fair share of shitty movies, but I couldn't even stomach to get through this movie the first time around (and I am definitely regretting the fact that I made a second try at it). With movies like Plan 9 From Outer Space, I could at least chuckle and ironically like the movie, but the mere fact that time went into making this movie is enough to make me sick. Calling it a "movie" at all makes my stomach churn with flash backs of the abortion that is this steaming pile of crap.

What upsets me more is that there are people out there who actually like this movie unironically (I couldn't even like it ironically if I was huffing stupid gas). They say shit like "cult classic" and try to justify why this movie makes me want to pour burning acid into each of my eye sockets. There is no excuse for the time that was spent to watch this movie and I suggest that anyone with any sanity left NEVER watch this movie.

The first time through, I barely got past the opening scenes, I was struck so hard by the pure godawfulness of the movie that I HAD to turn it off before I started trying to throw feces at other adjacent human-beings. The second time through, thankfully, I had a friend to suffer through it with. Unfortunately, I think I've scarred him for life, considering he now sleeps with a gun under his pillow. It was really a dangerous experiment to see if having a friend to lessen the blow; we both nearly lost our sanity (made evident by the screaming and gorilla like behavior) and now refer to it as "that" movie.

"How can a movie be so bad" you ask? How could one person be so fucking worthless that everything they touched started mutating into a radiated form of suck? How could someone, without trying, commit movie genocide? Let me tell you exactly how...

The Scripts: The script is a complete mess that only manages to tell a repetitive and unoriginal story between bouts of horrid/forced dialogue. The events and conversations are so sloppy and poorly thought-up that it felt like I was watching something a high school film student wrote on a bad day.

Are you honestly telling me that someone looked at this script and thought: "HOLY FUCKING DONKEY BALLS WE SHOULD MAKE THIS MOVIE!", because I don't buy it. I can't believe that there wasn't a shred of doubt in a single crew/cast member that didn't think "hmm, doing this movie could be the equivalent of career suicide."

Story: Like I mentioned, the story is repetitive, unoriginal, and sloppy at best. I don't mean kind of repetitive, I mean it is FULL OUT repetitive! You see the same four sequences again and again until you grow completely sick of every single frame. Kill/police/research/dream, kill/police/research/dream... by the fourth round of this bullshit extravaganza me and my friend were YELLING at the T.V. screen (not exaggerating at all).

The plot isn't even about the real Black Dahlia, it is about a bunch of copy-cat killers (and by copy-cat I mean the only similar thing they do is cut the body up and everyone somehow thinks its like "The Black Dahlia Murders"). The main character is supposedly a cop, but I was too distracted by the fact that he looked like someone who would be more fitted for a high school chess team. He, apparently, doesn't know what the Black Dahlia Murders were so, instead of searching through crime files that would be to his disposal as a cop, he decides to go researching on sites that look like they were made on tripod. I don't even want to go into the rest of this story, because I think I repressed most of it out of trauma.

The cinematography: May I start by saying the camera-quality looks like it was bought from walmart for pretty fucking cheap. The shots just look awful with a bunch of ridiculous compositions that didn't do anything to help tell the story. I was pretty surprised that I didn't see any equipment accident dart in and out of any of the shots.

Editing: This is the conversation I imagine happening between Ulli Lommel and the editor. "Yeah, put in a bunch of cheap ghosting effects...randomly turn that black and white...flip that shot...randomly stick this clip there...white out transitions everywhere," said Ulli

"BAAHHH I LIKE PANCAKES!" said the editor.

It really is that bad, looks like a monkey got a hold of Windows Movie Maker and started thrashing on the keyboard. It looks like a cheap jumbled mess that only the hackiest of hacks could create.

Acting: "Surely this must be good...". No. The acting is as godawful as the rest of the movie and I can only hope that anyone that was apart of this movie never got work ever again. Poorly rehearsed, ill-placed, and along with the unnatural dialogue the acting likes all natural flow.


Execution: I think it is safe to say that since nothing in this movie is good, there is no way this movie could come together and be any good. Just stay away from it...far away.

Score 0 out of 5
Summary: I'd sooner stick my fingers in a hot toaster...

Sunday, April 3, 2011

A Little Open Letter (For a Little DoucheCanoe)

I've been gone for fucking ever, I do apologize to my non-existent readers as I have been pretty fucking busy as of late. Before I get back to reviewing, I have a little itch I'd like to scratch first. I've noticed a small blunder in the world of "Cinema Loving" and I feel a strong urge to address it here. This particular subject falls into the realm of "illegal downloading".

This has nothing to do with whether it is "good" or "bad", I won't judge. This has to do with some people's reasoning or rationalization when it comes to downloading. Now, I like to peek into IMDB every once in a while to share opinions, rate movies, look for movies to watch, etc etc etc. This include checking out their little forum at the bottom of the page. I was checking on Hobo With A Shotgun (which currently stands at a 7.9), and noticed a thread titled "It's already leaked" or something of the sort. This is where the whole ordeal begins.

Someone just brings up the fact that the movie has been leaked not too far after its release. Now, the typical banter goes back and forth; "I support it", "I don't support it", "I don't care", but one particular post caught my eye for the pure amount of dumbfuckery it had behind it.

"Yeah, who gives a *beep* if it's free. God made man, man made the internet, so therefore by default, free films is what god wanted, go figure. And if there aint no God, it's better to exist than to not exist therefore free films are inherently better than ones you have to pay for. Filmmakers will always get money from producers, if the film is worthy to be made it'll be made. I mean, I love TROMA films to the moon and back, but I've downloaded all their films and not paid for a single one, my reasoning is, they can make the money out of the non-fans and let us people who really want it, have it for free!!"

Now, like I said, I am not judging people who are for it or against it, but this post makes me want to pluck both my eyes out and go driving on I-35 at top speeds in hopes that I plow headfirst into a bus of nuns. The amount of bullshit he spews in his mess of words is fucking infuriating and I can only hope that he somehow burns his nuts off to separate himself from the gene pool.

Its dumbfucks like this that make Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" seem less like a joke. What do I find so fucking oblivious, stupid, and all around "tongue swallower award" worthy? Thanks for asking, let me break it down for you:

"Yeah, who gives a *beep* if it's free. God made man, man made the internet, so therefore by default, free films is what god wanted, go figure."

Great reasoning, fucknut. God made men and men made microwaves, so I'm sure God's intention was for me to watch shit explode and melt if I was bored. I'm so glad that you can use some omni-present being to justify why you are too fucking cheap to help out an independent film maker who sunk his own fucking money into this movie.

"And if there aint no God, it's better to exist than to not exist therefore free films are inherently better than ones you have to pay for."

Do you fucking eat paint chips? Granted, I'm not nearly disappointed by a free bad movie as oppose to one that cost me ten bucks, but people time and effort to make these films, their jobs are on the line with whether or not the film flops. For them, a stolen movie is a step closer to a career killer, so its not inherently better you fucking dweeb.

"Filmmakers will always get money from producers, if the film is worthy to be made it'll be made. I mean, I love TROMA films to the moon and back, but I've downloaded all their films and not paid for a single one, my reasoning is, they can make the money out of the non-fans and let us people who really want it, have it for free!"

If there was an award for the worlds biggest dipshit, you would have been a shoe in for this fucking bit. Filmmakers won't get the fucking money if their history shows that their films don't make money. No money, means no movies. If Quentin Tarantino's movies weren't such a huge success, he would have never made it to Kill Bill or Inglourious Basterds. A Expro's job is to give out money to movies who they think will be able to return that movie. If said movie doesn't return said money, then they are less likely to install such faith into the filmmaker.

Also, since you "love" Troma so fucking much, you little glue sniffer, you should know that they working on becoming a big studio before they ended up going bankrupt. Lloyd Kaufman greenlighted the Toxie remake for the sake of the money, they aren't just getting handed money left and right to make movies. Not to mention they produce movies as well, they have to spend their money to help make and distribute the films you seem to "love" so much.

You, my dear sir, are a fucking douchecanoe. If you don't understand it yet, think of it this way. If the job you work at, if you've ever had one, (lets say its a store of some sort) wasn't making any money, instead of letting you lazy it up, they are going to fire you. If they aren't making money, they certainly can't waste it all on paying you. If you aren't going to help make them money, then there is no reason to believe you will be any different tomorrow or the next day. Then you have to live off what little money you have left, once that runs out you'll be homeless. You'll ask people for money, because eventually you'll use all yours up on food and since there is no money coming in you can't keep buying the food you enjoy, thus you die.

Make enough sense for you?